


Unsent

by rosevest



Category: Cobra Starship, Midtown, The Academy Is...
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up, Reconciliation, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 23:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11115129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosevest/pseuds/rosevest
Summary: There are some texts that no one ever wants to send. Especially to an ex-lover that they never got over.





	Unsent

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written on a whim in a couple of hours. If you've heard of the unsent project, this fic was inspired by it! This fic is extremely personal, and was a very emotional journey. I hope you all enjoy, it's my first try at oneshot in a really, really long time.

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ Today, I realized I never even had a chance with you. And god, I feel like a fucking fool.  _

 

William stared at his phone, toggling with the idea of sending the message. He knew that he and Gabe never had a chance, were never meant to be. It didn’t stop the world from feeling heavier without Gabe to hold him in the middle of the night, without Gabe to press finger-shaped bruises into his skin. But they never had a chance anyway, and William knew it. He wished he’d known it from the start. He’d never press send. Gabe didn’t need to know that William was still thinking about him. It didn’t matter anymore. 

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ I wonder if you still think of me as often as I think of you.  _

 

Gabe deleted the message as soon as he typed it up. He wasn’t supposed to miss William. He was the one who had broken it off, he wasn’t  _ allowed _ to miss William. But he did. And it didn’t help that everything reminded him of William. His sweaters still smelled like William. The birthday card that he had never thrown away was still resting atop his mantle. In the latest hours of the night, he could still feel William’s presence on the bed beside him, a soft, radiating warmth of a boy he loved. His eyes hadn’t corrected themselves yet, and every so often, he’d see William’s face in the place of the people he was supposed to be with. He wondered if William did the same thing. 

 

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ Drinking two cups of coffee every morning isn’t the only reason why my hands were so shaky when we were together.  _

 

It was too intimate to ever actually send, and William shut his phone down with shaking fingers just as quickly as he had written it. They had met for coffee the day prior, and William had dropped his cup from his shaky hands before they had even reached the table. He wasn’t overcaffeinated by any means, just anxious. Even when they were on tour, when he’d drink two cups of coffee in the morning -- and then another every few hours after -- and his entire body would feel like it was vibrating, he wasn’t overcaffeinated. He was just anxious. Gabe used to make it better, provide some small sense of stability in his overwhelmingly inconsistent life, talk William through whatever was rolling through his mind. Except now, when Gabe asked, “Dude, are you alright?” all that William could muster was, “Yeah, I’ve just had two cups of coffee already today.”

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ A year ago we stayed up until 3am talking, and now I can’t even say hey.  _

 

As much as he hated to admit it, he missed talking in a tiny bunk on a tour bus at three in the morning. He missed when Carden would yell at the two of them for laughing to loud, or when William would fall asleep in Gabe’s arms mid-sentence. He missed the sound of William’s laugh in the middle of the night, or the way his smile was slightly crooked. He wished that he knew how to say something, anything, because William’s thoughts had always been so beautiful, about anything Gabe would ask him. Things were different now, though, and Gabe couldn’t even muster up the courage to send one stupid text message. 

 

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ What’s the point in sleeping if I’ll see you there too? _

 

William had started keeping a dream journal, and he couldn’t count the number of times that Gabe’s name appeared. He dreamt about the first everything with Gabe. The first time that they had kissed, under a streetlight after the last Midtown show. The first time that they had slept together on a squeaky hotel bed, the way their bodies melted into one another perfectly. The first time that they stayed awake late enough to watch the sunrise, the first fight that they’d had. Most importantly, the first time they’d told each other that they loved each other, staring up at the stars in the middle of nowhere. He dreamt about things that had never happened, too. Like Gabe finally calling him, and Gabe proposing to him, and Gabe finally buying him the puppy he had promised. The most heartbreaking was when he woke up from a dream where Gabe was introducing William as his husband, only to realize that Gabe wasn't even in the bed beside him any longer. None of the things that William dreamed about existed anymore, because they lived in a world where William couldn’t bring himself to hit send. 

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ Look at me with love. Or lust. Or disgust. Or hate. I don’t fucking care but please… Please just fucking look at me. _

 

Gabe deleted it, letter by letter, no matter how much he wanted to press send. When they’d accidentally bumped into one another on the street when William’s tour stopped in New York, William wouldn’t even look at him. They had done things far more intimate than make eye contact, but for some reason, William’s pretty Bambi eyes wouldn’t even make contact with any point on his body. He just wanted William to feel something, anything, he wanted some sort of hint as to how William felt. Did William not feel anything anymore? It hadn’t even been two months yet. He missed the way that they used to be, and he was afraid that William didn’t anymore. Couldn’t William have just looked at him with daggers in his eyes? At least then, Gabe would know. Now, all that he could do was wonder, if William thought about him with love, or lust, or disgust, or hate, or if he didn’t even think about him at all. 

 

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ I used to love people, and then I loved you, and now I can’t even look anyone in the eye.  _

 

His eyes shouldn’t have filled up with tears, but they did despite endless efforts to stop the flow. He wanted to look Gabe in the eye when they had passed each other on the street, he had wanted to so, so badly. But he couldn’t look at anyone anymore, because he couldn’t risk letting someone look into the windows of his soul only to have them shattered to pieces. Gabe had opened William’s eyes to what it meant to be hurt, and love seemed impossible again. Looking anyone in the eyes again seemed impossible. But nothing seemed more impossible than sending that text. 

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ Nothing was ever as heartbreaking as suddenly stopping talking to the person I used to think I’d marry.  _

 

Gabe used to think that William would go by Mr. Saporta one day, but the thought of it grew too overwhelming. Towards the end, they had fought for several hours each day, but neither of them knew why. Maybe they were both scared of what they felt, Gabe knew that he was. Each time that Gabe had thought about getting down on one knee for William, waiting at the altar for William, growing old with William, his entire being became consumed with anxiety. The thought of only one person for the rest of his life had made his heart skip every other beat, and not in the same, exhilarating way it did when William’s mouth was pressed against his own. Now that he was gone, Gabe didn't want to imagine spending his life with anyone but William. It was so stupid, and Gabe knew that sending that message would be just as stupid as breaking up with William was. He shut down his phone, and placed it next to the unopened, untouched ring box in his bedside drawer. 

 

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ I can’t listen to my favourite songs anymore, you fucker.  _

 

William didn’t press send, because he was too busy trying to skip through every Midtown song on his iPod. There were so many of them, and tears wouldn’t stop streaming down his face at the sound of Gabe’s voice, and at the knowledge that he would only ever hear Gabe’s voice again through music. They hadn’t spoken properly in over a month. William wondered if the same thing happened to Gabe when he heard a The Academy Is... song. William wanted Gabe to ache the same way that he did. 

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ I would wish you the best, but I’m the best. _

 

Gabe had seen William’s post with Carden. He pretended that it didn’t bother him, but the nauseous feeling ground into the very marrow of his bones. He didn’t know if the two of them were together or not, but how could William have moved on so quickly, when Gabe still felt his heart break into smaller pieces every time he heard William’s name? William was supposed to be the one whose heart was breaking, Gabe was the one who had broken up with him. Gabe was the best, why couldn’t William just come crawling back? Gabe wouldn’t let himself be the first one to text. If William wanted him at all -- and William had full reason to want him -- he could just reach out himself. 

 

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ Man, what are we even still doing? _

 

William didn’t know why it had happened, or how it had happened, but instead of his own bed, William had woken up in Gabe’s arms that morning, with sweat pasting their naked skin together. William had left the hotel room before Gabe could wake up and register what had happened. Gabe had already made his decision about the both of them, and William knew better than to let Gabe break his heart all over again. It didn’t matter, how perfectly Gabe’s body still fit into his own. It didn’t matter, how he had made William’s body arch and curve into positions that neither of them knew possible. It didn’t matter, how soft and light William felt when Gabe let his lips trace over the entirety of his body. None of it mattered, he didn’t know what he was doing. William decided not to text him, because neither of them knew what they were doing, and he knew that his heart would be torn to shreds all over again when he got the answer. 

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ You said that your favourite place was pressed against my hips. Come visit.  _

 

Gabe wished that William hadn’t slipped out of his bed before the sky had turned pink as it welcomed the sun. Gabe didn’t understand why William had left, because the two of them fell asleep with smiles on their faces, and a bittersweet taste on their lips. Gabe played it over in his head, over and over again, until the mental image of William’s face was plastered at the forefront of Gabe’s subconscious. Gabe wanted William underneath him still, hip bones digging into his skin, nails painting beautiful pictures onto his back, lips tracing over his jawline, his neck, his lips, his entire body. William had whispered to him “This is my favourite place,” as Gabe had rolled his hips into William’s. It was Gabe’s favourite place, too. So why had William left? It wasn’t fair, William had left before Gabe had the chance to say goodbye. William had left before Gabe had the chance to say that he still loved him, that he wished that he’d come home. But William had left, and Gabe wasn’t going to him the satisfaction of being the first to text. Especially after William had left. 

 

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ If I could do it again, I would kiss you longer and never let you go.  _

 

William meant it, but he couldn’t bring himself to hit send. He missed the taste of cigarettes and vodka on Gabe’s lips, the warm feeling in the pit of his stomach when Gabe used to wrap his arms around William’s tiny waist. Gabe used to make William’s heart beat faster than he had ever felt it beat before, but now, it just beat harder and harder every time he heard Gabe’s name. He missed kissing Gabe more than anything else, because it was something so small, so chaste, so sweet. Because it made him feel like Gabe actually loved him, instead of just looking at him with the intention of tearing off his clothing. Towards the end, it felt less and less like Gabe wanted to kiss him. He wondered if Gabe still thought about kissing him, although, he probably didn’t. William knew that Gabe didn’t care enough anymore, and he wished that he could think that it was okay. 

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ Every day I miss you and every day I try to remind myself why I left you. I still love you. I fucked up.  _

 

Half a year after he had slammed the door shut for the final time, and Gabe still couldn’t be completely certain why he left. He had never been happier than he was when he was with William, but he had still left. Maybe the distance between New York and Chicago had gotten to be too much, maybe the pressure of constant touring had been too much, or maybe he just wasn’t ready for a relationship as serious and intimate as what the two of them used to share. Gabe wished that he hadn’t done it. Every moment, he thought about the tears staining William’s cheeks when Gabe made the biggest mistake of his life, asking “Why the fuck are we still together?” and William had mustered out, “I don’t know,” only for Gabe to make the stupid mistake of replying, “We probably shouldn’t be anymore, then.” They should’ve waited it out. Maybe then, Gabe wouldn’t be wearing the same pained expression that William had when Gabe had slammed the door shut. 

 

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ I miss having you as my best friend.  _

 

William came so, so close to hitting send. It was innocent enough, wasn’t it? As much as William missed the sexual aspect of who they once were, William missed their friendship even more. He missed the way that Gabe’s saliva felt against his skin, but even more, he missed the sound of Gabe’s voice, his laugh, the way that he always somehow knew everything that William was thinking. Whatever souls were made out of, Gabe’s and William’s must have come from the same source. They were perfect together in every way imaginable. William thought long and hard about whether or not they were mature enough to be friends again. They probably weren’t. 

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ When I dropped you, I was the one who shattered.  _

 

Gabe didn’t expect to be picking up broken pieces of himself eight months after he broke up with William. It was too long since the breakup for Gabe to be in the same state as the broken bottle of William’s favourite whiskey that he had drunkenly smashed moments ago; out of anger, frustration, love, whatever it was he felt for William. His fingers bled from the broken glass, and he wished that the only collateral damage from trying to clean up the fragments of himself was the tiny cuts on his fingers. The damage had been gargantuan. Pete took his phone away from him before he could press send, telling Gabe “You're gonna say something you’ll regret,”. The only thing that Gabe regretted was leaving William. 

 

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ I never should’ve let you take advantage of me like that.  _

 

William didn’t know if he was referring to their accidental hookup the night prior or the way that Gabe had treated him when the two of them were still together so many months ago. William couldn’t deny that Gabe made him feel something that he hadn’t felt since they were together each time that the two of them accidentally found themselves in each other’s beds. It was a rare occurrence, but something that William treasured. He wasn’t sure if the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach was a result of love or feeling used. It could’ve been either. He didn’t send the message as he was about to make a getaway, but instead, lifted the covers and went back to the warmth of Gabe’s touch under the bedsheets. He tried to fall back asleep, curling into Gabe’s skin. He would deal with it later. Why send a text when he could say the same thing in person?

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ I love my nightmares now. They’re the only place that I can tell you I love you.  _

 

Gabe dreamed that William was with someone else. It was the worst nightmare of his life. Someone else was doing to William what the two of them had learned together, and Gabe had nothing left. The nightmares he used to have about monsters and falling forever had nothing on this atrocity. Out of the terror, came Gabe’s proclamation, “I still love you,” but before William could answer him, Gabe woke up in a cold sweat, wondering why William wasn’t in the bed beside him anymore. He should’ve been used to it by then, it had been a year now, but William still wasn’t in his bed and there was something very wrong with that. His phone died at 3am before he could text William exactly what he’d said in his dreams.

 

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ I still love you and I feel like we might find our way back to one another.  _

 

William had some kind of newfound hope when he found Gabe’s purple hoodie in the boxes he was unpacking into his new apartment. It still smelled the same way it did the first time that William had buried his face in Gabe’s chest and fallen asleep in Gabe's arms in a tour bus bunk in the middle of the night. Maybe there was still hope for them. Maybe, just maybe, the two of them would somehow find their way back together. William realized that he was being stupid, and deleted his message. If there was any hope, Gabe would’ve texted him ages ago. 

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ I think that you keep trying to get me to admit that I still have feelings for you. I don’t know if I should or not.  _

 

He decided it would do more damage than good to press send. It was so obvious, the way that William had asked, “Remember the first tour we did together?” Gabe had only nodded his head, and William had frowned. William wanted an admission, a confession, a recollection, or something of that nature. Gabe didn’t know where the two of them stood. Gabe knew that he still loved William, with the same passion that he had when a young, 18 year old William had sat down with him and they’d tried writing songs together. They had never turned out any good, because both of them were trying to write the other a love song without either of them realizing the other’s intentions. Gabe thought about whether William knew that Gabe still wrote songs about him. And whether or not the love songs William wrote were still about him. 

 

**_To: Gabe_ **

**_From: William_ **

_ I’ll always be waiting for the day you come back… I still love you, Gabe.  _

 

William accidentally hit send before he knew what he was doing. Fuck, this was it. Gabe was going to rip his heart into a thousand pieces again. It had taken him more than a year to even come close to feeling whole again after the way that Gabe had left him, but now, everything was over again. William could’ve lived with it, silently continuing on with his life pretending that Gabe didn’t exist-- aside from the few moments when they had let down their guards for each other, only to put them right back up. The world was over, for William. He had ruined any chance that he’s had of mending their friendship. William threw his phone at the wall in an act of self-hatred. The cracked screen lit up, as a buzzing sound filled his hears. William didn’t have the heart to look at it. He hoped that it wasn’t Gabe, and decided he’d try to ignore it and go to sleep. The only problem was, Gabe appeared even more often in William’s dreams than in reality. 

 

**_To: William_ **

**_From: Gabe_ **

_ I love you until the sky falls down.  _


End file.
